Survived Christmas and Cordelia

My sister Cordelia is in very bad shape, complaining that her stomach is bothering her, constantly eating these disgusting green-brown health food bars. I tried one--yuuuch. She cuts her own hair, and this trip it looked like two wedges sticking straight out. She compulsively pats it down and pulls at it. She is extremely thin, and wears extremely baggy clothes to conceal it.

I called my other sister for some relief after a day spent with Cordelia, and she reminded me: "She's a crusty old spinster, and she's used to living alone. She doesn't know how to show she cares the way ordinary people do. Instead of saying 'I love you,' she will sweep your floor." That was very helpful to hear, because I know my sister does love me, but whatever is wrong with her prevents her from showing it. I feel such tremendous guilt for having any kind of life at all. Ironically, she has a part-time job and an investment portfolio, and I am the one who feels guilty...old habits are hard to break.

Cordelia's Back In Town...

My sister Cordelia is here from out of town, and I saw her today. The instant I opened the door, I thought, "Oh God, no..." She was clearly much worse than this past summer; clothing disheveled, hair sticking out in all directions, color bad. Our conversation was beyond difficult. She desperately needs professional help, and refuses to get it (that doesn't keep her from stealing my medication).

More to follow...

Listening to "Push," July 2005

Sitting here listening to Rob Thomas sing "Push," after I’ve packed for the show, I’m feeling stirred up and horny and ready to take on whatever audience is out there. And really, really angry.

I look across the room at Dad’s Tiffany clock and the words of the song have so much meaning: “I want to push you around, I will, I will, I want to push you down, I will, I will.” I’ve always loved this song and all of its rage. “I want to take you for granted, I will, I will.”

I hate that damn clock. Lucretia showed up at my front door when they were destroying everything of Dad's back at the apartment. She shoved it into my arms. "You take it," she said. It weighs a ton, and it doesn't work. Sometimes I think about pawning it.